comments:
we should never hold their s****y parenting against them because they "did the best they could." Oh my gosh this resonates with me SO MUCH, for both of my parents, unfortunately. I definitely had my own moments of losing my shit and calling them out on it (especially as my own kids got older and closer to adulthood and I realized just how much of the BS my parents put me through was just NOT OKAY). Not that it helped or did any good, of course, but at least the unsaid got said. My mom needed an ungodly amount of "hand holding" throughout her adult life to do seemingly basic adult things... and once her mom died (I was only 23!!!) that somehow became my job as I was the only remaining local child... it was exhausting. I look back and wish that I had learned to set boundaries earlier in my life, because I took on a great deal of her executive functioning from that point forward through the next 26 years until she ultimately passed from Alzheimer's disease (which was diagnosed only 2 years prior to her death). The situation isn't much better with my in-laws (my parents are both gone) and I've had repeated talks with my husband that their poor choices earlier in life (neither of them worked enough legit jobs to qualify for social security, for example!!) are not our responsibility to fix, and we can't shortchange our own future to fix the financial problems that are entirely their own fault. There's a great saying that you don't have to light yourself on fire to keep someone warm. It is okay to set boundaries. It is okay to not visit if those visits are miserable. A phone call is enough. You don't have to do everything she asks, and you don't have to drop everything to meet her needs. That "at what point do I get to just say" list in your prior post? You can just do all of that now - let this random internet stranger give you permission. She won't like it, she will be resistant, but if she wants your ongoing help then those will be your terms and she has to meet you in the middle. I know others suggested therapy, and you mention having tried it and not gotten far, but so much of what you've shared resonates so clearly that I have to recommend this book. Not saying that your mom has borderline personality disorder, but it sounds like she could.