comments:
The fact that he married an Adventist woman to please his family and job makes him sound like a "nice guy" - not actually nice, but someone who craves the approval of others and is not honest and open about what he truly wants. In my experience as a man who grew up Adventist in the US, the Adventist church and culture has created many "nice guys" over the years. As I was deconstructing, one of the books that was very insightful for me and helped me become a more confident person was "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. He is a marriage and family therapist who has worked with many clients, including Christian men who struggled with shame and hiding who they truly were. Adventism does a great job of causing everyone to feel ashamed of their sexuality, including men, and shame is often an underlying factor for "nice guys." I've shared this resource before in this subreddit. I don't condone all of the analogies made by the author, but overall I found the book helpful and worth reading for both men who want to stop being underhanded "nice guys" and people who want to understand them better. You may recognize some of your ex's tendencies and learn to identify them faster in other men so you can avoid them: German translation: https://www.amazon.com/Nie-mehr-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/3868839313 English (original): https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/97642