comments:
Here is something I have learned about relationships: they are about learning each other's languages. This is why it's such a common idea--that communication is vital. One of the primary/ongoing challenges in any relationship is interpretation. This doesn't just fall upon the listener, either, as the speaker has an obligation, too. And if both people aren't aware of this challenge relationships struggle. That's what seems to be happening here. A person has to be able to step outside themselves, to see the other person as an other, with their own expectations and history, and to recognize that we may not be the clearest speakers on the planet. To understand that the other may not know our histories, the contexts, the countless experiences we have had that drive expectation. Here, who knows what the heck that person was thinking when she said it. Yeah, ok, she just wanted to know if you'd looked it up--not what the answer was. Why she wanted that? Only she knew. Why it became an issue for her when you tried to be helpful? Only she knew. Instead of expressing frustration at you, if she'd been more self-aware, she might have been able to step back, to see the situation for what it was. A redditor told me about a great book: Non-Violent Communication. There may be other issues going on, too. Without blaming, not at all, because your response was within a normal range, maybe she thought you were trying to fix? Which itself is a huge challenge to overcome. Bottom line? Interpretation issue. Since she spoke, and she was disappointed in your response, it was on her to see you were trying to show up for her and to explain her own issues to you--so you can do it. Remember: from childhood we all start carrying baggage. Hang in there, ok? Learning ourselves, learning others, it's a journey. For real.
If we define "violent communication" as the book does: judging, criticizing, etc, almost certainly yes. Most people do. The book is about learning more effective ways to communicate. Link for anyone else curious: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X
Check this book out: https://www.amazon.com.au/Nonviolent-Communication-3rd-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/189200528X